Crucial Connection

Unlearning Isolation, Part 2

If you missed the first part of this chapter, you might want to read that first. Unlearning Isolation, Part 1.

Do you remember Brandon from chapter 7? He’s the musician who felt alienated at home and tried to ease the pain by going through girlfriend after girlfriend, until he got married and unfortunately repeated the cycle.

I would have responded to Brandon’s disclosure differently in my thirties than I would now. Now, I see Brandon’s sin clearly, but I also see the motivation and ache he sought to escape. That doesn’t, for a second, excuse the deplorable choices he made, but it does change the way you address how to go forward, away from the typical shame-casting, “get an accountability buddy, grit your teeth and try harder next time” approach.

Brandon needed to create an abundant life in which there was no need to go outside his home. He needed to stop being an observer and become a participant. His wife is a saint. Once she decided she was still “in,” she sought to address her own shortcomings, never reminded Brandon of how he had shamed her (she wisely found a mature friend with whom she could vent when she needed to), and today would tell you they have a marriage better than any other marriage she knows of. “There’s not a chance I’d leave Brandon!” she’ll tell you. “We both messed up in our own ways, but we’re not even close to being the same people we used to be.” I hear spouses of repentant addicts say this all the time—they never want to go back (to either the addiction, or the distance that preceded the addiction).

Are you, like Brandon once was, a passive observer? Disappointed with what is happening, but feeling like you have no solution and opt instead to spiritually medicate your isolation? Is that why the gambling/drinking/porn/affairs/workaholism /materialism/religiosity/substance abuse/binge-watching/adrenaline fix won’t let you go? Have you depended on unhealthy patterns of coping with the pain of a dysfunctional life instead of working to build an abundant life of participation and connection?