Divorce for nonbiblical reasons breaks my heart. I've seen the pain it causes children, spouses, extended family, friends, and churches. It's so sad. But churches that sin against divorced people also break my heart. I've seen people who all but had divorce forced on them shut out and disqualified for future ministry. Let's remember that not every divorce is equal, lest we sin against those who should be released.
Christine was in bad shape: five feet seven inches tall, yet she weighed just ninety-eight pounds. Even so, every time she lifted a potato chip to her face her husband Rick said, “Sure you want to eat that?”
Christine wasn’t sure why Rick cared what she ate. They hadn’t had sex for eight years, though Christine had tried everything she could to interest him, including strip teases, bubble baths, candlelight dinners, and “everything short of standing on my head in the corner to get him to look at me.” Others called them “Ken and Barbie” but Christine began to feel like the ugliest woman on the planet. Rick preferred pornography and eventually even prostitutes to a real wife.
Believing that a “dutiful Christian wife” must endure such disrespect, Christine pressed on. They went to thirteen counselors in seven years. Christine wore herself out trying to get her marriage to work, but one fateful Christmas morning, Rick told Christine, “I don’t love you anymore and I want a divorce.” To be honest, Christine felt relief. As a Christian, she had tried everything she could think of to “fix” her marriage. Having it taken out of her hands felt like a giant burden had been lifted until Rick added, “The truth is, I think you’re sick, and I’m going to have you committed.”
Christine replied, “Rick, it’s not my head that’s sick; it’s my heart. You’ve killed me from the inside out. I’m not sick in the head, I’m worn out.”
The threat of having her committed turned out to be a ploy to strike fear in Christine’s heart, another marital gambit to gain a bit more control over his already beaten-down wife. He wasn’t going to divorce her because he wanted to keep hurting her.
Christine eventually realized she had one of two choices: be destroyed or end her marriage. She chose to file for divorce. She explained to Rick, “I’ve come to the conclusion that this isn’t my problem; this is your problem.”
Rick went ballistic, threw everything off the countertops, slapped Christine’s glasses off her face, and put her in a chokehold. Eventually, he let go. His violence confirmed Christine’s decision.
Looking back, Christine believes she waited too long to leave but understands why she put up with what she did. “I wanted to be able to stand before Jesus and say I did everything I knew to do in order to save my marriage.”
Christine finally got the courage to let go one morning when she read Psalm 116:16:
“Truly I am your servant, Lord; I serve you just as my mother did; you have freed me from my chains.”
As God met intense financial needs for Christine and her daughters in sometimes miraculous ways, Jesus seemed to be drawing Christine closer through this painful ordeal. Unfortunately, her church didn’t follow suit. Though some who knew the entire situation remained very supportive, Christine still got kicked out of the choir as soon as others found out she had been the one to file for a divorce.
A few years passed, and the church finally seemed open to welcoming Christine back into music ministry. She worked with a kids' praise program. Her church put on a big Broadway kind of play once a year and Christine was eventually asked to direct it when the former director had to step back.
The passage of time transformed her in the minds of many from a “divorcee” to a “single mom.” The latter drew compassion more than judgment so the moms collected $500 for a Target gift card to thank her for heading up the big show.
Christine wept.
It wasn’t just the money. It was the church people saying, “You’re okay. We don’t judge you. We want to help you.”
After the show, a mature Christian woman voiced what many wanted to say, “Christine, God has fully restored you to ministry; I see the light in your face and it’s such a blessing.”
This ushered in a spring thaw, spiritually speaking. Christine was invited to teach a women’s Bible study, which exploded with a rich harvest. Years later, she met a wonderful Christian man. They got married and began teaching together. Christine remembers how Rick mocked her ministry efforts, saying no one would ever notice. Her new husband attended every class she taught for seven years straight, never missing one. He laughed the loudest, cried the most and said a loud “amen” more frequently than anyone else.
Christine tells me that ministry with him “brings life,” not just to her, but to so many others.
Matthew 6:33 (“Seek first the Kingdom of God”) puts mission at the heart of a Christian’s life, and if mission matters, the end result of Christine’s actions has been a fruitful harvest. In the minds of some, she may be defined as having broken a “rule” (divorce). She was headed toward death, being spiritually assaulted daily. Today, she breathes life and hope and actively serves others. She never wanted to leave a husband behind, but she eventually realized she had to leave the toxicity behind, and being married to an unrepentant, toxic man, divorce was her only option.
A Weapon and a Gift
When divorce is used as a self-indulgent weapon, when a man or woman leaves their spouse because they’ve grown weary of keeping their vows or have found someone they think is “better” and others are left to support the victim and clean up the mess, you learn to hate such selfish foolishness. But I also regret that the church has a binary approach to marriage: because many seek a divorce for non-biblical reasons, we’re reluctant to admit that divorce is ever a God-honoring choice. And then we sin against the person who was already sinned against by an abusive, unfaithful spouse.
Can we accept that God hates it when a divorce breaks a man or woman’s heart because their spouse has fallen in love with someone else or just simply regrets their choice, and that God hates it when a son or daughter of his are being all but spiritually wiped out, and physically threatened, by a cruel or abusive spouse?
In the face of unrepentant and unrelenting evil, divorce can be an effective tool rather than a weapon. Because evil exists, we need to condemn the cause of divorce rather than the application of divorce. Christine was being destroyed in a toxic marriage and her ministry outside that marriage was almost completely quenched. When you see her now, full of spiritual life, ministering to others, you realize how much that thirteen-year marriage cost her and the Kingdom.
I recently spoke with a man who was passed over for being an elder in his church, in part because he is divorced. In his case, his wife was unfaithful (with more than one guy) and she divorced him. He has responded in as godly a way as it is possible for someone to respond to such heinous treatment. His state’s law means he must keep sending her an obscene amount of money for another seven years, at which point he knows she’ll finally marry the man she’s living with. The reason she doesn’t get married now is because it would stop the alimony payments.
I’d like a man like that to serve as elder--primarily because of his godliness and commitment to God’s Kingdom, but also because I think a church could be richer by having someone who has that experience and background. It certainly shouldn’t be a disqualifying factor. He’s proven his faith amid that divorce, not compromised it.
I hate divorce in the same way I hate that anyone has to undergo the ordeal of chemotherapy. What a tragedy. But if a doctor must order that action to attack the cancer threatening someone’s life, it becomes what we call a “necessary evil.” If a toxic person forces a spouse to seek the protection of divorce, don’t fault the person who is acting on behalf of truth—fault the toxic spouse who is using marriage to prey on a victim.
The tragedy is what caused the divorce, not that a divorce happened. Especially for ministry purposes, we need to distinguish that, lest we lump in “victims” of divorce with perpetrators of divorce. I realize no spouse is one hundred percent innocent in any marriage, but that isn’t to say fault can’t be found primarily in one direction.
A Ministry Standard
Getting a divorce because you’re bored, the romance has died, you’ve found someone newer, or your spouse has just really started to bug you all fall far, far short of a biblical standard to seek such drastic action. But Jesus Himself opens up the door for divorce based on someone killing your ministry: “No one who has left home or wife or brothers or sisters or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age, and in the age to come eternal life” (Luke 18:29-30).
Did you get the part that Jesus here explicitly says some will be forced to forsake even their spouse in service to him?
As was already mentioned, Jesus was all about the Kingdom, making it the centerpiece of His teaching: “Seek first the Kingdom of God…” (Matthew 6:33) and pleading with His disciples to pray for more workers (Matthew 9:38). In the church today, I believe we tend to undervalue the work of the Kingdom, leading us to overemphasize family. It’s not that God isn’t passionate about the family—He created it!—it’s that Jesus came bringing and teaching values that supersede everything, including the family.
For someone like me in a marriage like mine, my marriage is a central part of my ministry and my marriage feeds my ability to seek first the Kingdom of God—so there is no dissonance. It would be a grievous and obscene sin for me to leave my wife ostensibly so I could serve God better (plus, I have no desire to!). But I’ve talked to too many who eventually feel forced to choose between their ministry and their marriage. It’s so sad, but it can happen.
How does a toxic marriage assault ministry? Abuse destroys joy, and the Bible says the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). Abuse thus threatens to make us weak, which undercuts our service. Abuse and gaslighting also destroy self-confidence, and a lack of self-confidence destroys the necessary fortitude we need to step out into service. When you spend all your energy defending yourself physically, having anything left over to give to others spiritually is difficult.
I don’t like pitting family life against Kingdom service—nobody does—but victims of abuse often have the choice forced upon them.
Too often, the question in the church regarding abuse has been, “Can she still survive?” But that’s the wrong question. If Kingdom work is so important, the real question should be, “Can she still thrive?” In a fallen world that wars against each Christian’s individual service, we need to support our spiritual soldiers rather than be party to ploys that leave them weak, confused, and unable to participate in every believer’s most important calling—seeking first the Kingdom of God.
I believe the Bible makes it clear that even if we’re married to an unbeliever who doesn’t actively support ministry, we should let them leave first rather than us being the ones who leave (1 Corinthians 7:13). Absent abuse, your ministry while married to an unbelieving spouse is to model the grace and mercy of Christ in hopes that they’ll join you in the Kingdom. But when a nonbeliever is abusing a believer to the point that God’s purpose for their life is utterly squashed, the church has no reason to punish a believer for the way an unbeliever treated them, forcing their hand.
Please, church, let’s help those who are victims of divorce heal (even if they were forced to file), and let’s honor their capacity to minister. Absolutely, let’s not shut down their ministry because they’ve been sinned against. This requires a real community so that each divorce can be evaluated on a case-by-case basis with pastors who don’t just preach, but who also climb down in the trenches and get involved with their members.
I tell Christine’s story in When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom From Toxic People
I am a survivor of a 16 year marriage. I filed for divorce. It took me so long because I knew God hates divorce. But like Christine, I did everything I could to make the marriage work. Jesus got me out! What a miraculous event that was.
Now 16 years later I am still healing. The scriptures have once again come alive and I’m ready to share my story. I have hope for a brighter future for myself and my three grown children. The Lord is real and He has given us the Holy Spirit to help us live day by day. If we seek Him first, then doors will open up. We just need to do that first; seek Him.
In this world we live with so many distractions and self help we tend to look elsewhere except God. My encouragement today is: give God your all. Put Him first before any hobby, before your exercise routine, before your coffee and see what God will do. After all Jesus loves us and wants a relationship with us. Take Jesus everywhere with you daily!
Thank you, Gary. I volunteered with a wonderful ministry for 30+ years that has made a major transformation in this area. It used to be one could not be used in certain areas of leadership if they or their spouse were divorced for any reason. One man had been married to the same woman for over 40 years and had personally never been divorced. His wife was married at 18 to a man that abandoned her a year later, and this divorce was used as a reason to disqualify his service. It broke my heart. Today, I am grateful they look beyond the divorce to the reasons as well as the time elapsed and healing that resulted.
Similarly, many men deal with addictions to pornography. While no man should be leading others while practicing this selfish and destructive sin, I have found that a man healed by the Holy Spirit from such addiction is often a great leader to walk alongside a younger man in a current similar struggle. There is greater empathy through the common experience. Making sure it is five years (or so) in the rearview mirror, has seemed to be a reasonable timeframe to ensure healing has taken place.