Fighting to Keep Your Marriage Close When Babies or Children Threaten to Tear You Apart, Part 2
If you haven’t read part one of Debra and John’s story, please click HERE.
Baby number two didn’t present quite the same challenge to Debra and John’s marriage as did baby number one. John had awakened to the reality that raising kids is a lot of work. He already knew that, but now he was prepared to face it head on. You can’t just add a new baby into your life as if there was this gaping hole of time and energy waiting to be filled; something has to give and John was already living and working at near maximum capacity. So what do you do? You realize where you fell short the first time and then prepare in advance for what’s to come. John couldn’t feel bad about being caught off guard by the addition of the first baby, but he could certainly anticipate the same thing (and more) happening for the second baby.
I’ve had to do this as a writer. It might seem obvious, but since I don’t use ghost writers, if I don’t write, books don’t get written. I also don’t preach other preacher’s sermons. So some seasons of preaching and writing can get quite taxing. In the midst of this, family events still happen. One summer I was facing a publishing deadline and a long sermon series (six out of seven weeks) at church with three other conferences sprinkled in-between mid-week. My wife scheduled a family vacation in the middle of it because that’s what suited our adult children’s schedules.
Because I’ve been buried by things like this before, I knew what not to do: keep my normal schedule and hope that “God’s grace” would carry me through my lack of preparation when the roof collapsed. Instead, I worked like crazy ahead of time, planning sermons and working on the book long before that season arrived. I anticipated the crunch and tried to make it a little less of a crunch. April is always going to be extremely busy for a tax accountant in the U.S., but eventually the accountant can learn how to make her marriage work by looking at what doesn’t work, anticipating what will need to be done, and addressing it relationally and vocationally before everything falls apart. Maybe she takes on one less client. Maybe she adds part-time help. There will be financial costs but huge relational gains. Something has to give. Choose what is least important.
In addition to staying ahead of the challenge, we also have to re-evaluate our priorities.
John remembers, “I realized the reality of our family situation. Though I needed to catch up on sleep, I still had to be a husband and dad and put in the work at home, not just work at the hospital.”
“He had to work on not just giving us the leftovers,” Debra adds.
“When I came home, I had to remind myself that even though I felt like I needed a break, or some sleep, or just half an hour to unwind, the reality is you can’t put your family on pause. I had to choose a more selfless route. Especially when I walked in the door, the first five minutes are the most important to Debra. Do I show her I’m interested? Do I ask about her day? I had to learn to be deliberate in my focus as soon as I got home.”
You may not find a solution that doesn’t hurt. A God-honoring life involves sacrifice. Jesus said, many times, that if we want to follow him there’s a cross involved (Matthew 16:24-26; Luke 9:23). Paul said the Christian life is about continually offering up our bodies as living sacrifices (Romans 12:1). In my pastoral counsel, this is where many couples get caught up: they want a solution that doesn’t hurt at all. They want to stay connected without losing any one thing that keeps them so busy, distracted, and disconnected. Let me be blunt: when you add a baby to your life, you have to take something out. When you add a serious season of grieving in your life (death of a parent, friend, or sibling), something needs to be taken out. We don’t get more hours so we need to subtract what fills those finite number of hours. Otherwise, our “crises” will drive us apart.
Boundaries
I mentioned earlier in the chapter that it isn’t an accident that John and Debra drew closer together as they raised small children. They are wonderfully vicious about setting and keeping boundaries. As a friend, I have always admired and respected this about Debra, but according to Debra, “If you think I’m assertive, you haven’t met John.”
If you let life push you around as individuals, the world is going to push you apart as a couple. Debra and John both understood this danger early on and told themselves, “That’s not going to happen to us.”
Debra explains, “One of the themes in our marriage is the word ‘no.’ We learned very quickly that if we were going to survive and do well as a couple and family, we had to say no to anything and anyone that could get in the way of our family and marriage. That remains true to this day, even if saying no involves a kid.”
Some of those boundaries included not letting the kids sleep in their room. “We made a wise investment in sleep training so that all of our kids learned how to sleep in their crib without needing mom and dad on a regular basis. We focused on teaching the kids this early on so that John and I could protect our own relationship.
“The kids all know that when the door is closed they can’t come in mommy and daddy’s room. This is our sanctuary and it’s our time. We’re not available anymore.”
Debra holds to this without apology. “Some people think it’s mean to set boundaries with your kids like that, but if you don’t take care of your marriage, you won’t have anything left over to give the kids.”
If you’re facing this season (a new baby), take some time this week to first evaluate the current level of your marital connection, and second, discuss together what you can.
Fighting to Keep Your Marriage Close When Babies or Children Threaten to Tear You Apart, Part 2
Dear Gary,
Thank you for more insights on fighting for closeness in my marriage while raising children.
Two takeaways for me: If my wife and I allow life to push us around we would be pushed apart. And learning to say no without feeling guilty, even where the kids are concerned.