For Richer, For Poorer

Throughout this summer, we've been discussing resources for premarital couples, including my devotion, "Preparing Your Heart for Marriage: Devotions for Engaged Couples." This is the last excerpt we're running. The book has three parts: general devotions for learning how to become one. Section two focuses on the words of the statement of intent, and section three looks at the traditional wedding vows phrase by phrase. A common comment I hear from couples months after their wedding is how much of a blur the ceremony was. Having thought about, talked about, and prayed about the vows ahead of time can make the wedding ceremony all the more meaningful, not to mention help couples understand what the vows they are exchanging truly mean. This entry focuses on what it means to pledge to your spouse that you will be with them "for richer or for poorer." 

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Did you know that Jesus talked about money more than he talked about heaven and hell combined? Close to 800 scriptures discuss money. About one-fourth of Jesus’ parables are about money, and one out of every seven verses in the Gospel of Luke discuss money.

Here’s the real shocker, one that people can hardly believe: Jesus actually talked about money more than he talked about love.

Why do you think this might be true?

Money carries a spiritual weight that can lift you up or hold you down. It will bless you as a couple or it can become a deep divide.

Every one of us has a unique relationship with money that rarely gets discussed and that usually remains unconscious. Our feelings about money are visceral, deep-seated in the core of our being, and many of us don’t even recognize the way these feelings motivate us. Some of us deeply fear losing our money, and we react with panic and anger if it is threatened. Others of us are driven by greed to always have a little bit more, and we will sacrifice some of our most intimate relationships to make more time and energy available to procure more money. I have seen some literally sacrifice their health and peace of mind to bring “just a little bit more” into what already looks like an abundant pile of resources. For still others of us, we’re driven by a simple selfishness that insists “what’s mine is mine” and are robbed of the tremendous joy found in giving. A few blessed souls have found that generosity with money brings great freedom.

The Bible does speak favorably of sensible saving (Genesis 41; Proverbs 21:20; Ecclesiastes 11:2) but even more about generous giving (Deuteronomy15:10; Psalm 112:5; Proverbs 22:9; Malachi 3:10; 2 Corinthians 9:6-10). It seems to suggest that financial planning is a wise thing to do (Proverbs 27:23-27) and exalts hard work over laziness (2 Thessalonians 3:10; Proverbs 24:33-34). It also suggests that wanting to leave an inheritance behind is a good thing (1 Timothy 5:8; Proverbs 13:22). All these together suggest that managing your money in a God-honoring way will bless you and nurture your marriage, while ignoring Scriptural truths about handling money may bring much misery, frustration, and pain into your life and marriage. Not thinking about the best ways to manage your money will likely lead you to the default position of mishandling your money.

You and your future spouse will be combining your financial assets, so to become one you’re going to have to talk about your relationship with money. Even if you keep your money separate (though I hope you don’t), how you save and spend your money will impact each other. Take an honest look into your own soul to discover just how you feel about money, in a way you may never have thought about it before.

What gives you the most joy: a certain level of savings? Knowing that you’ve given away a certain amount? Seeing others smile when you meet a need? Getting to buy something you’ve wanted to buy for a very long time?

What gives you the most security? A certain credit score and a consistently growing retirement account? A secure job? Knowledge that your heavenly father has promised to provide all your needs?

When working with premarital couples, I usually find that their giving is rather haphazard. They often give primarily on the spur of the moment, without a plan, when someone presents a dramatic need. If they had a close relative die of cancer, it is likely that they give a yearly donation to a cancer foundation of some kind. Others will say they take advantage of a charity their employer will match. Still others like to simply claim that they “tithe” with their time, and therefore don’t really worry about how much money they give away.

As a Christian couple, you need to give, generously and often. Sometimes, it should hurt. At the end of the year, when you add up all that you gave for tax purposes, it’s okay to lose your breath for a second and think, “But we could have bought x, y, or z with that,” and then remind yourself, “Yet giving it to God’s work was the best thing we could have done.”

Where you give your money reflects your heart. It’s understandable that you would want to contribute to research to stop the spread of a disease that has afflicted a loved one; it’s a good thing to want to support a local symphony or library. Yet Christians are told to seek first (primarily, above all other good things) “the Kingdom of God” (Matthew 6:33). We should be all about living for and celebrating the spread of Christ’s kingdom. That’s why my wife and I like to focus on works that glorify Jesus and spread his word. That doesn’t mean we don’t ever give to “civic” charities or medical pursuits. We do and we have. But it does mean that we want to invest most of what we give to work where God is the hero, and where God is specifically exalted.

If you’ve never studied this issue, consider listening to Andy Stanley’s three-part sermon series entitled “Crazy Like Us.” http://northpoint.org/messages/crazy-like-us/.

The reason I call evaluating your relationship with money “spiritual preparation” is that if you learn the lessons Andy talks about (there are three sermons; they would make for three great date night discussions), money will be a positive force for good in your marriage rather than something that rips you apart.

The spiritual secret is this: generosity blesses the generous even more than it blesses those the generous people give to.

Since money troubles are a major factor in marital break-ups, it’s a wise investment at this stage of your relationship for you and your future spouse to spend a few hours examining your hearts and the Scriptures, and making a plan to be wise stewards of the resources God brings your way. Let your upcoming wedding be the launching pad for a new relationship with money.

If money was important enough for Jesus to talk about so much, it should be important enough for you to search out his teachings on the subject and discover just why he emphasized our relationship with money.

Heavenly Father, let our upcoming union call us to a thoughtful awareness about our relationship with money. Help us to understand our fears and motivations and beliefs about money, and give us hearts that honor you and your truth when it comes to how we should handle, save, and give our money. In Jesus’ name, amen.

1. Spend some time talking with each other about the way money motivates you. Maybe you’ve never even thought about it. Maybe it drives you to some unhealthy places. In the process of a prayerful conversation with God, ask the Lord to help you draw out each other’s true motivations and heart issues when it comes to money.

2. How can the two of you be more thoughtful about your relationship with money? Will you commit to watch Andy Stanley’s sermon series? Would you prefer to go through a Christian-based financial program, such as Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University? You might also benefit from reading through Randy Alcorn’s Money, Possessions, and Eternity.

3. Discuss how you can set some financial goals within the first year of marriage—after you’ve studied this a little more. Maybe you’ll set a certain level of savings, decide on a certain amount or percentage that you hope to give away, or make a plan for getting out of debt, etc. Resolve as a couple to take charge of and to manage your money instead of letting it pull the two of you apart.