Excellent teaching and one that so few have heard...and/or really want to hear. I've been asked about this numerous times and in numerous ways thinking that getting married will solve their lust/porneia problem. Marriage alone, in and of itself, was not designed by God for this purpose but for the purpose of those who've surrendered and died to their old life and are living their new life in Him can truly enjoy the wonderful blessing of married sex for the purpose He designed it...one of the key ways (not the only way) for 2 to become 1! Those who are willing to seek, ask and listen to Biblical teaching on lust and porneia, within or without the marriage bond, there is much to be gained...in personal life, in marriage and in the marriage bed! Thanks and God bless in Christ!
Gary, you guys are so genuine, so real. Your sense of humor and humility is what keeps a person engaged in the best of ways. Thank you for putting yourselves out there like you do. My wife and I have a couple’s marriage ministry and I find myself often forwarding your emails to those we’ve been privileged to coach. This video of you two has some real meat that I know some, if not all of them have or will be challenged with this issue. Your ministry is making a difference for eternity sake. I’m thankful for couples like you who are fully committed to helping married couples live out the Gospel in their marriages.
I never heard or at least truly understood what lusting after my wife meant and why/how it was harmful until 40 years into our marriage. This revelation came to me through Christopher West's book, “Our Bodies Tell God's Story”. Understanding this sin and the damaged it caused is one thing. Overcoming it after 40 years is another. It continues to be a daily struggle. What resources (books, articles, blogs, podcasts, etc.) would you recommend to aid in this battle. I am committed to righting this wrong, but it is so difficult. I understand that only God throught the Holy Spirit can truly change my heart, but I could use some support.
I'd first want to ask you what you mean by "lusting" after your wife. Appreciating her beauty, and even being enthralled by it, isn't lusting. There are lengthy passages in the Song of Songs where the husband celebrates his wife's beauty, as the wife celebrates her husband's. Also, noticing the beauty in others isn't necessarily lusting. The root word has connections with "envy." Noticing that a woman is beautiful isn't lusting; desiring to be sexually intimate with her, picturing her in your mind as a sexual object, wanting to have any kind of sexual knowledge of her IS lusting. I would also say that bringing up memories of her, and thinking about her is lusting. But desiring your wife is not lusting. To be honest, Lisa loves that she is still enthralling to me. It affirms her, after 41 years of marriage, that she still has that hold on me. One of the ways to preserve this is to not lust after other woman, as that kills your desire for your wife's beauty. Comparison is the enemy of cherishing. Thinking of your wife as "Eve," the only woman in the world (I explain this in my book Cherish) is the way to keep this dynamic going. Another element I'd add is that your intimate relations with your wife focus on MUTUAL pleasure. If a wife knows that you find her beauty enthralling and that if she's intimate with you, her pleasure will be prioritized, she's not going to feel used. She'll feel desirable and satisfied! Those are two very good, healthy things. I'd urge you to read the book I wrote with Debra Fileta entitled "Married Sex: A Christian Couples Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life." You'll read of how the Song of Songs encourages "Sacred Simmering," and you'll hear from a pastor and a counselor how to build a healthy, mutually pleasurable, God-honoring life of sexual intimacy.
Thank you so much for your detailed response. By "lusting" I meant objectifying her for my own selfish desires. It was more of a feeling of need and entitlement than mutual giving of each other. I do truly appreciate her beauty and am working hard at not lusting after any woman including her. We do plan to go through "Cherish" together and will then consider following with "Married Sex". Thank you again for your response and your ministry.
Excellent teaching and one that so few have heard...and/or really want to hear. I've been asked about this numerous times and in numerous ways thinking that getting married will solve their lust/porneia problem. Marriage alone, in and of itself, was not designed by God for this purpose but for the purpose of those who've surrendered and died to their old life and are living their new life in Him can truly enjoy the wonderful blessing of married sex for the purpose He designed it...one of the key ways (not the only way) for 2 to become 1! Those who are willing to seek, ask and listen to Biblical teaching on lust and porneia, within or without the marriage bond, there is much to be gained...in personal life, in marriage and in the marriage bed! Thanks and God bless in Christ!
Thank you for addressing these issues with every nuance added!
They are so difficult for couples to address, but so important to resolve.
Thank you being so transparent and sharing from your own experiences in counseling. Very helpful to us all...
Gary, you guys are so genuine, so real. Your sense of humor and humility is what keeps a person engaged in the best of ways. Thank you for putting yourselves out there like you do. My wife and I have a couple’s marriage ministry and I find myself often forwarding your emails to those we’ve been privileged to coach. This video of you two has some real meat that I know some, if not all of them have or will be challenged with this issue. Your ministry is making a difference for eternity sake. I’m thankful for couples like you who are fully committed to helping married couples live out the Gospel in their marriages.
Thank you so much for these kind comments!
I never heard or at least truly understood what lusting after my wife meant and why/how it was harmful until 40 years into our marriage. This revelation came to me through Christopher West's book, “Our Bodies Tell God's Story”. Understanding this sin and the damaged it caused is one thing. Overcoming it after 40 years is another. It continues to be a daily struggle. What resources (books, articles, blogs, podcasts, etc.) would you recommend to aid in this battle. I am committed to righting this wrong, but it is so difficult. I understand that only God throught the Holy Spirit can truly change my heart, but I could use some support.
I'd first want to ask you what you mean by "lusting" after your wife. Appreciating her beauty, and even being enthralled by it, isn't lusting. There are lengthy passages in the Song of Songs where the husband celebrates his wife's beauty, as the wife celebrates her husband's. Also, noticing the beauty in others isn't necessarily lusting. The root word has connections with "envy." Noticing that a woman is beautiful isn't lusting; desiring to be sexually intimate with her, picturing her in your mind as a sexual object, wanting to have any kind of sexual knowledge of her IS lusting. I would also say that bringing up memories of her, and thinking about her is lusting. But desiring your wife is not lusting. To be honest, Lisa loves that she is still enthralling to me. It affirms her, after 41 years of marriage, that she still has that hold on me. One of the ways to preserve this is to not lust after other woman, as that kills your desire for your wife's beauty. Comparison is the enemy of cherishing. Thinking of your wife as "Eve," the only woman in the world (I explain this in my book Cherish) is the way to keep this dynamic going. Another element I'd add is that your intimate relations with your wife focus on MUTUAL pleasure. If a wife knows that you find her beauty enthralling and that if she's intimate with you, her pleasure will be prioritized, she's not going to feel used. She'll feel desirable and satisfied! Those are two very good, healthy things. I'd urge you to read the book I wrote with Debra Fileta entitled "Married Sex: A Christian Couples Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life." You'll read of how the Song of Songs encourages "Sacred Simmering," and you'll hear from a pastor and a counselor how to build a healthy, mutually pleasurable, God-honoring life of sexual intimacy.
Thank you so much for your detailed response. By "lusting" I meant objectifying her for my own selfish desires. It was more of a feeling of need and entitlement than mutual giving of each other. I do truly appreciate her beauty and am working hard at not lusting after any woman including her. We do plan to go through "Cherish" together and will then consider following with "Married Sex". Thank you again for your response and your ministry.