Loving a Difficult Wife
While I am regularly amazed by how well so many Christian women love their husbands and families, some husbands are married to women who are spiritually immature or addicted. It’s a rock-solid biblical truth that even the best of us, on our best days, still “stumble in many ways” (James 3:2). In the course of my travels and correspondence, I’ve been approached by a few husbands who want to honor God and their marriage vows even though they are struggling with wives who are contentious or sometimes even mentally ill. Some wives can be outright selfish or lazy. And it is almost automatic that the worse a wife is in her character, the less she will appreciate the excellence of her husband’s faith and devotion.
Few pastors/writers/speakers will talk about this. It’s easier and safer and we will get far less blowback if we simply join in the chorus that berates men and asks husbands to step up, so we routinely make men “the bad guys” when it comes to marital situations and stories. This is somewhat fair. As a pastor, it’s far more common for me to see women carry heavier burdens than most men when it comes to a spouse’s sin—but it’s not absolute. And you men who do suffer often do so in isolation and without support or acknowledgment, so this one blog is for you. God has increased my pastoral heart and I don’t want you to feel neglected and alone. If you haven’t read my other posts or books—ones that routinely challenge men more than women, please don’t judge where I’m coming from by this one blog post. I’ve written about a dozen blog posts and included several chapters in many books to encourage women married to particularly troublesome men.
This post was inspired when a husband spoke to me about his wife at a recent conference. She has a mental illness, and when she takes her medications, things are tolerable. When she doesn’t—he does his best to hold on, often heroically. His sweet spirit and determination to honor God amidst an extremely difficult marriage inspired me. Of course, sometimes, it’s not about mental illness—a wife’s spiritual weakness or lack of character can be just as taxing. These husbands also deserve some consideration. Finally, every husband faces the challenge of loving a less-than-perfect wife, just as every wife faces the challenge of loving a sinful husband. Nobody today is married in the perfect Garden of Eden.
Where do we find the motivation to keep loving and serving our wives in the face of their sin?
John Chrysostom, an early church father, wasn’t afraid to tackle the topic of “unruly wives.” That was almost 1,700 years ago, though, so it’s not overdoing it to write about it again in 2022.
Chrysostom roots his advice to such men in the most excruciating of all biblical passages relating to husbands: Ephesians 5:25, in which husbands are exhorted to love their wives as Christ loves the church. While most commentators address men by focusing on Christ (which John does later), Chrysostom begins by considering the sins of the church. He urges us to look at the sinful church that Christ chose to love and to consider her faults. She has not been faithful, or even kind, to her Lord. She has often mocked Him, tried His patience, or simply ignored Him. She has not given Him the respect He is due, nor does she honor Him the way He deserves to be honored.
And yet He loves her.
Heroically.
This means that any husband who feels disrespected and dishonored, neglected or belittled, has a spiritual connection with Christ, an opportunity to identify, and grow in his relationship, with God. John is honest about how painful this is; he is certainly not sentimental or naïve about the church’s state. This is, according to John, how Christ loved a wayward church: “He offered Himself up for one who turned her back on Him and hated...rejected, and disdained Him.” Jesus responded “not with threats, or violence, or terror, or anything else like that, but through His untiring love; so also you should behave toward your wife. Even if you see her belittling you, or despising and mocking you, still you will be able to subject her to yourself, through affection, kindness and your great regard for her.”
Here’s Chrysostom’s charge, men, put in contemporary words: we respond to our wives’ sin by out-loving them. This requires, of course, allowing God to love them through us. It takes supernatural, God-given character to respond to hatred with kindness, to pray for someone who mistreats us or who seems bent on making us miserable, but in asking us to do this, God is not asking anything that He hasn’t exhibited Himself toward us, the church. Our goal is always to “out love” our wives, responding to sin with grace. In Romans 12:10, Paul calls us to “outdo” one another in showing honor. If you have a contentious wife, this will be an easier thing to do than if you are married to a grateful wife who cherishes you. You might not be as happy, but you’re about to get a lot more holy!
Can you encourage your wife, even when she belittles you? Can you speak lovingly of her, pointing out her (perhaps only?) strength in public gatherings, even as she mocks you with laughter? If, by God’s grace, you can, rest assured that the spiritually mature will see what’s going on. Your wife’s condemnation of you will say more about her than it does about you. It’s not easy to let something be so indirect, but it’s the holy thing to do.
It’s not wrong to lovingly but directly confront a wife who is mistreating you. It’s even wise to seek professional counsel to change the course of your relationship. Nothing I’m saying here, or nothing Chrysostom says, should be seen as counteracting that. This advice is spiritual counsel that accompanies corrective behavior; it doesn’t necessarily countermand it.
Chrysostom is honest about how awful sin can be, but he places this in perspective by, once again, comparing any wife’s sin to that of our participatory sin as members of the Church: “The Church was not pure. She had blemishes, she was ugly and cheap. Whatever kind of wife you marry, you will never take a bride like Christ did when He married the church. Despite all this, He did not abhor or hate her for her extraordinary corruption.”
There are few things more glorious than when a spiritually strong man can shine with love for a sin-sick wife. That’s supernatural. That’s saint-making material. It makes no sense that a man could be happy in such a marriage, unless his happiness is based on something outside the marriage—the approval of God, the joy of obedience, the reward of faith.
I can’t imagine a man intentionally choosing such a marriage. If I’m your premarital counselor, I’m going to urge you to reconsider getting into such a marriage. But if you find yourself in one, and your wife resists change, your choice is simple: be miserable and make things even worse by responding to her sin and negativity with your own sin and negativity, or take the opportunity to apply the Gospel and focus on a daily basis to fulfill your obligation to love this sinful woman as Christ loved the sinful church.
Any man can love an agreeable, supportive, encouraging wife who is as generous with her praise and respect as she is with her body in the bedroom. But can you love—as Christ loves—a bride who seems bent on making your life difficult, who seems to take more pleasure in what she withholds than in what she gives, and who bizarrely thinks that her happiness is increased by her husband’s misery? On your own, no. With Christ—absolutely. He has already loved this way, and He is not stingy in giving His children His love to pour out on sinners.
Absent biblical reasons to pursue a divorce, I don’t see an alternative to what Chrysostom (and the apostle Paul) teaches. You’re like the parent who dreamed of raising a child that would excel spiritually and academically, only to be called to learn how to love a child that has spent more time in rehab than college. You’re like the spouse who dreamed of an active, outdoorsy life, only to find yourself caring for a paralyzed spouse ten years after your wedding. These are difficult challenges that will either bury your soul with disappointment or refine your soul like silver. I pray you’ll choose refinement. I pray you’ll focus on out-loving your wife more than you obsess over how she needs to grow.
This is not a pleasant piece or a “happy” post, but I believe it is an honest one that will give you hope that is rooted in truth, faith, grace, and love. Again: none of this means that you shouldn’t seek counseling or lovingly confront your wife’s behavior. This is about sustaining your love, not strategically altering her behavior (which is appropriate in its own right but requires an entirely different discussion). Next week, on the paid subscriber’s side, there will be a longer article that I wrote years ago for New Man magazine on abused husbands and the lessons they have learned. There are other remedies to consider when actual abuse is present. If you become a paid subscriber you’ll get the post in your mailbox next week. (If you’re a man facing this challenge and money is an issue for you, please email us at alli@garythomas.com and we’ll send you that column for free.)
As you move forward, please remember to take care of yourself. If you’re not getting much from your marriage, it’s especially important to learn how to take care of yourself and not give way to short-term escapes that taint your soul. Read my earlier post on “self-soothing” Blog link HERE. Check out my book, Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling So Good? We’re responsible for our own mental and emotional health; if we’re not getting what we feel we need from our marriage (or parenting, or job, etc.), we must learn how to find healthy avenues of sustenance and encouragement elsewhere in a way that honors God and our own identity as His children.
To those men who love heroically and sacrificially, who may never be appreciated by their families and certainly not by their wives, just know that God sees, and He promises to reward those who love this way. Consider Jesus’ challenge and promise in Luke 6:32ff.
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”
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