Set Yourself Free From Unenforceable Rules
We bring much angst into our lives when we feel like something must happen that we can’t make happen. This is true of married life and it’s true of parenting. Dr. Fred Luskin writes about the wisdom of replacing “unenforceable rules” with “enforceable ones.” I’ve found the mindshift extremely helpful when it comes to loving others and focusing on what I can do rather than what I want others to do or even think they should do. If you’re in a frustrating or disappointing relationship of any kind, this will be a very helpful, sanity-preserving mindshift.
I initially wrote this to be a chapter in When Christian Parents Hurt. Alas, in my fervent attempt to cut word count, I had to turn this chapter into a small section--but here, you can read the entire thing. I hope you find it as helpful as I did.
Dr. Fred Luskin is the Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. His concept of “unenforceable rules” will be helpful to many parents of adult children who want to practice relinquishment.
Dr. Luskin states, “By unenforceable rules, I mean the desires we have that we are simply powerless to turn into realities.”[i]
An unenforceable rule erupts when a wish becomes a demand. When you think that something you want to be true must become true, but you have no power over making it true, you are bringing much angst, vulnerability, and frustration into your life. It’s fine to “wish” for things. It can even be healthy to name your wishes. But we must be strong enough to discipline those wishes so that they do not become demands, especially with adult children. And we are fools if we ever stake our happiness on something beyond our control.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.” (James 4:1-2).
Some examples of unenforceable rules for parents of adult children are:
· My adult children should call me every other day to check in on me.
· My daughter should seek my advice on how to raise her children.
· My adult children should bring their families to my house for the holidays.
· My children should repay my sacrifice in raising them by avoiding drugs, staying out of jail, and providing me with many grandchildren.
· My adult children should attend church every weekend, just as we do.
· Mother’s and Father’s Day should be as important to my children as they are to me.
Some parents are impaling themselves on these unenforceable rules. These rules are common and fine as “wish lists” but cruel and debilitating when they become demands. If you hold onto them, you risk getting caught in repetitive cycles of blame, offense, and suffering.
