Using the Five Senses to Enhance Physical Intimacy, Part 1

Surprise! Valentine’s Day is just a month away.  It’s a season where people typically think most often of the physical side of marriage. The best physical intimacy is often thought out and even planned. Especially when you’ve been married for ten, twenty, or thirty years, a little creativity and even trying some new things can be a huge help and result in much mutual enjoyment. It keeps marital sex fresh and fun. That’s why we’re running these posts now—to give you a little time to think about and maybe apply some of the ideas listed below.

This week and next, we’ll be excerpting from my book with Debra Fileta, Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimaging Your Love Life. The chapter I’ve chosen to focus on demonstrates how the Song of Songs emphasizes the power of all five bodily senses for a couple’s enjoyment. When we’re more intentional about incorporating these senses, we don’t need the “tricks” so many non-Christian resources might suggest that don’t square with a biblical view of marriage. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how just being more thoughtful about bringing the five God-given senses into play in a more intentional manner can do wonders in a lifelong relationship.

Fair warning: because we interviewed and polled many couples to gather creative ideas to enhance marital lovemaking, this chapter is a bit explicit. If that’s not to your liking, we’ll get back to other topics in two weeks; feel free to skip this one and the next!

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The Five Senses of Sex

For the first few years of their marriage, Kyle and Abby enjoyed prolonged lovemaking sessions. Kyle can last a long time, and they took advantage of it. Now that they have four kids, however, they’ve learned to treasure quickies.

“Honey,” one of them might say, “we’ve got ten minutes. Turn the television up loud and meet me in the bedroom.”

Before they had kids, Abby wasn’t into these kinds of encounters at all, but now she actually prefers them. “I’ve got four kids grabbing me all day long. When I can have an orgasm without getting pawed or pounded, I’m a happy girl.”

But now Abby and Kyle are reevaluating this sexual rut that has become the norm more than they are comfortable with. “It wasn’t just during the day that we got into the habit of quickies,” Abby explains. “At nighttime, we’re both tired and want to get to sleep, but we both know we need the physical release, so . . .”

They’ve come to learn that quickies are to a marriage what fast food is to a diet. They can be convenient, but they don’t offer full relational health. Kyle and Abby have been trying to slow down occasionally and create more of a gourmet experience.

“We’ve realized it’s not just about efficiency,” they told me. “It’s about connection. We just don’t get the same connection when sex is fast and furious.”

Thinking sex is only about getting to the orgasm is to sacrifice a potential thirty to forty minutes of the most delicious feeling and sensing for a five- to ten-second reflex. That’s a poor trade….

Couples can increase their pleasure and sexual satisfaction enormously by focusing on the process that leads to orgasm, in part by utilizing different aspects of the brain and body. The idea is to spend time in desire rather than just passing through it—to taste, see, smell, hear, and feel the entire experience. Orgasm will probably happen, but the climax is merely one aspect of the lovemaking, not the entire focus. When we understand, respect, and incorporate all aspects of the mind and body that God has given us, we can enjoy the most intimate, satisfying sexual experiences in marriage.