Win By Losing

Did you know that in marriage, you can win a lot by losing?

You can.

I never intentionally try to anger or frustrate my wife, but I did something regularly that caused a significant amount of stress. Lisa hated it when I wore my running shoes back into the house after a run. I was careful about not tracking in mud, but this was back when we lived in Houston, and most of the time in Houston I ran on streets and sidewalks. I’d wipe my shoes carefully on the three mats she has laid out on my way into our house (two outside, one inside) and though I couldn’t see a speck of dirt on my shoes walking into the house, Lisa would point out dogs had walked and…done other things…on those sidewalks, so she still wanted me to take my shoes off at the door.

A previous bout with plantar fasciitis had led a doctor to tell me never to walk barefoot (my running shoes have orthotics), so I used a doctor’s excuse to discount Lisa’s request, but really, I just thought Lisa was being too fastidious. I give in about many things but this was doctor’s orders!

Finally, it dawned on me that I was going to take my shoes and socks off when I showered in a few minutes anyway, so why not just store my shoes downstairs in the garage instead of upstairs in my closet and wear my flip flops down to get them?

For some stupid, selfish reason, doing this felt like a major inconvenience. At first, I thought I was making a huge concession on Lisa’s behalf. Now, years later, it makes more sense to me to do it her way, it was actually more convenient, and I’m ashamed that I waited so long to “give in.”

Lisa was happier, I was happier and yes, our floors were probably happier, too.

We won by me losing.

By nature, most of us are proud, and most of us hate being inconvenienced. This tends to increase as we get older. We think our way is the right way or we wouldn’t be doing it the way we do it. But growing a marriage is about considering another’s perspective and pain, even their fears. It’s about listening. It’s about finding joy in doing something that gives joy to our spouse or at least decreases their misery and anxiety.

Probably every couple reading this blog post knows one thing you could do (or stop doing) that would make your spouse just a little happier. You have held on to doing things your way primarily because you don’t want to change. Especially for those of us who have been married for decades, we know our spouse isn’t going anywhere, so why put ourselves out? They can learn to live with it!

But what if we decided to make the next decade of marriage even more enjoyable for our spouse than the prior decades were? What if we decided to use this season to improve the quality of our marriage? What if one small act could foster an attitude that could make our relationship even richer as we grow older?

Even one small concession sends a loving message to our spouse: “I hear you. What you think and how you feel still matters to me, now as much as ever. In this one ‘battle,’ you win.”

This isn’t just about our marriages; it’s about our heart. The apostle Paul tells us, “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

Is there a better place to practice this attitude than marriage? What a lesson this could be to our children, and what a blessing to our own happiness in the coming years!

Win by losing.

I’ve tried it; it works!