When "experts" talk about common marriage killers--financial problems, conflict problems, intimacy problems--they often leave out one of the biggest spiritual ones: a controlling spirit.
But, yeah, the language around control is complicated isn't it? Particularly when you mix in dynamics where consent is given to control. The example you brought up is with God, which is of course the perfect example.
Our goal in life as Christians is to give up control to God. To let Christ live through us. We want the sinful nature in us to die so that He can live in us. But that control is given - surrendered, really.
So, what about in a marriage? Christina and I are both trying to lose weight, and, frankly, we're better at keeping each other accountable than we are controlling ourselves. So, often we'll go to potluck at church, for example, and Christina will ask me "Can you make sure I don't eat too much dessert?" I'm more than willing to do this, and then she's grateful for surrendering that control.
Is that sort of control okay? I think so. It's not demanded, it's offered as a help.
And I wonder how far this can go. How much control can you give up before it's a problem? Is there a limit? Where is that limit? With God, the more we give up the better things are. But what about with a spouse? What if you want to give up more control? For example, my wife hates dealing with finances, so I "control" them. She can ask about them any time she wants, and she can choose her level of involvement, but by and large, she just wants to know that if she goes to the grocery store, the card is going to work when she pays.
Anyways, lots of thoughts, and many more. I might write a blog post in response, riffing off yours. I'll link to you if I do.
Thanks Jay Dee. The two examples you give don't seem to me to be about control at all. Asking a spouse to help you control yourself around the dessert table is a legitimate function (I hand bags of chips to Lisa all the time--make me stop!), not an act of control. Now, if without my request Lisa grabbed the bag of chips, or a husband "forbade" his wife to eat a dessert, well, that's control. The same thing with finances. Lisa handles ours as you handle yours. That's not control; that's just a function. It could become controlling if Lisa lied about what we had, or she figured out a way that I couldn't use a credit card, etc. but the fact that Christina asked you to help her at the dessert table, and feels relieved to have you handle the finances means, by definition, she's not being controlled.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you guys for sharing.
My wife and I have been married for four years. We both lost our first spouse, hers to alcoholism, suicide and mine to cancer.
We married and combined families and have 7 children between the ages of 10-23 yrs.
I began becoming more and more codependent in our first year of marriage. I was trying to please every little thing to earn closeness. My wife has CPTSD created from her 15 year marriage before.
I struggle with loving her consistently and kindly as my own needs go unmet.
Control has creeped into our marriage on both sides.
To grow in our ability to self sooth and release the fear we live with would be so life giving.
We would appreciate prayers and some direction if the Spirit brings anything to mind.
Codependents will do better when they remember to change the point of evaluation. How does God feel about the way you're loving your wife? Maybe He'll call you to love her in such a way that she might be temporarily frustrated with you, or she'll dismiss your good efforts, or ascribe selfish motivations to you. I like to end my days with a simple prayer, "God, have I pleased you by the way I've loved my wife, your daughter, today?" This is easier for me because I have an appreciative wife, but I still think it will help codependents married to demanding spouses.
Firstly, you two are adorable.
But, yeah, the language around control is complicated isn't it? Particularly when you mix in dynamics where consent is given to control. The example you brought up is with God, which is of course the perfect example.
Our goal in life as Christians is to give up control to God. To let Christ live through us. We want the sinful nature in us to die so that He can live in us. But that control is given - surrendered, really.
So, what about in a marriage? Christina and I are both trying to lose weight, and, frankly, we're better at keeping each other accountable than we are controlling ourselves. So, often we'll go to potluck at church, for example, and Christina will ask me "Can you make sure I don't eat too much dessert?" I'm more than willing to do this, and then she's grateful for surrendering that control.
Is that sort of control okay? I think so. It's not demanded, it's offered as a help.
And I wonder how far this can go. How much control can you give up before it's a problem? Is there a limit? Where is that limit? With God, the more we give up the better things are. But what about with a spouse? What if you want to give up more control? For example, my wife hates dealing with finances, so I "control" them. She can ask about them any time she wants, and she can choose her level of involvement, but by and large, she just wants to know that if she goes to the grocery store, the card is going to work when she pays.
Anyways, lots of thoughts, and many more. I might write a blog post in response, riffing off yours. I'll link to you if I do.
Thanks Jay Dee. The two examples you give don't seem to me to be about control at all. Asking a spouse to help you control yourself around the dessert table is a legitimate function (I hand bags of chips to Lisa all the time--make me stop!), not an act of control. Now, if without my request Lisa grabbed the bag of chips, or a husband "forbade" his wife to eat a dessert, well, that's control. The same thing with finances. Lisa handles ours as you handle yours. That's not control; that's just a function. It could become controlling if Lisa lied about what we had, or she figured out a way that I couldn't use a credit card, etc. but the fact that Christina asked you to help her at the dessert table, and feels relieved to have you handle the finances means, by definition, she's not being controlled.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you guys for sharing.
My wife and I have been married for four years. We both lost our first spouse, hers to alcoholism, suicide and mine to cancer.
We married and combined families and have 7 children between the ages of 10-23 yrs.
I began becoming more and more codependent in our first year of marriage. I was trying to please every little thing to earn closeness. My wife has CPTSD created from her 15 year marriage before.
I struggle with loving her consistently and kindly as my own needs go unmet.
Control has creeped into our marriage on both sides.
To grow in our ability to self sooth and release the fear we live with would be so life giving.
We would appreciate prayers and some direction if the Spirit brings anything to mind.
Codependents will do better when they remember to change the point of evaluation. How does God feel about the way you're loving your wife? Maybe He'll call you to love her in such a way that she might be temporarily frustrated with you, or she'll dismiss your good efforts, or ascribe selfish motivations to you. I like to end my days with a simple prayer, "God, have I pleased you by the way I've loved my wife, your daughter, today?" This is easier for me because I have an appreciative wife, but I still think it will help codependents married to demanding spouses.