I was the woman Sampson is describing - angry, abusive, selfish and demanding, the term "narcissist" fits well. So I have deep compassion for his situation. My husband and I have now been married for almost 33 years, by the grace of God. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse as well as abandonment and shame issues that run very deep. However, I had no idea what was wrong, why I was so angry with my husband, and why I struggled so much. I just thought if I could have what I want and get him to serve me, I would be happy.
Long story short (as short as I can make it! :), we tried counseling in our early marriage which never helped much, and I threatened to leave over and over, alternating with accusations against my husband and my own suicidal ideation. After trying the world's way for 20 years (meds, psychiatry where I was told I was always going to be angry, depressed, and hopeless), I finally went to get counseling from a wonderful biblical counselor. She gently helped me see that I was my own worst problem, I was punishing my husband for another man's sin, and I was responding sinfully to being sinned against. I saw myself through the lens of Scripture, a sinner in desperate need of God's grace, and I finally got my eyes on the true hope - the Author of my life - who began a deep heart work of repentance in me.
It took a while (there was a lot of wrong thinking to overcome), but my husband and I now have a wonderful marriage where I can honor him as he honored me. He was not perfect, and God has done great work in him as well, but I have told him that if he had not been so strong, persevering through the abuse I inflicted on him, and keeping his eyes on Jesus (he prayed and fasted for me one day a week for years), I would have destroyed him (and nearly did.)
I am now a certified biblical counselor and he is working on his certification so we hope to counsel other couples together. And I am convinced that both men and women need to get their eyes on God, who is the only source of help and hope in a difficult or destructive marriage.
Gary - I have really appreciated that you are a strong advocate for women in abusive marriages. I have many friends, and have counseled many women, in these situations, so it is critical that these women are seen and heard and helped.
And I think it's great that you are considering the other side in this podcast as well, that there are men that are being abused by their angry wives. I know my husband would have been so encouraged to have someone come alongside and encourage him while he fought to persevere with me.
Thank you for your ministry and your humility in always being willing to consider other people's experiences. I always learn from you.
Loved reading your personal, honest, and heartfelt testimony. There is always hope and help in Jesus Christ. You had a counselor who knew exactly what would bring healing and strength to your marriage. That counselor's approach must have been very refreshing to your life. May God continue to bless others through you and your husband. Please keep sharing that message of hope.
I have appreciated your work over the years and have felt that you have come from a place of looking at deeper issues within the marriage that can cause issues. I am familiar with the counselor/author you mention that has stated if there are issues after five years of marriage it falls on the husband. I am not one to completely agree with that as I feel that there are things a wife can most certainly do to contribute to the issues in the marriage.
I do agree there is a dynamic in our culture that is creating a hardness within women's hearts, but t’s not just women, it’s everyone! I have to share I felt this interview did not go into enough depth in this situation to understand the wife. I do not agree "AT ALL" with the wife’s actions at this point to her husband and children. It’s unacceptable in any way shape or form, but I felt the interview needed to go to the previous years of their relationship. I understand there were time constraints for the interview, but to not look at the relationship dynamics that put them in that situation created a very one-sided perspective and I do not feel did the situation and marriage justice.
I understand that Sampson is currently carrying the load of it all and has experienced some emotional and verbal abuse, but from my experiences a women will stop communicating and shut down completely for many reasons. This could carry on for years and if not kept in check I think could be taken to extremes. It does create in a woman a hardness of the heart towards the husband. That could possibly be the case here. A few examples that come to mind that might occur throughout years of marriage and have nothing to do with abuse could be years of not being listened to, her needs not being heard/understood or the husband not doing simple things so that she feels loved, cared for and a priority in the relationship.
I have had childhood trauma that included a history of childhood sexual abuse as well as abandonment and shame issues that my ex-husband blamed our issues on. It was a way for him to not take responsibility for his issues in the marriage. My childhood trauma mostly created in me a desire and longing to be loved, valued and to belong, to feel secure and for family. I have been in counseling and have tried to be very self-aware of my behaviors and reactions, but in a dynamic that the marriage is lacking emotional intimacy/connection, feeling loved/valued and the husband getting defensive/distant/cold at those needs could definitely create an extremely unhealthy marriage that will eventually most likely fall apart.
I think there are so many layers to a marriage that it takes time to get to the root of the issues. However, I just wanted to comment that while I appreciated this interview, I think it was not enough for me to believe that Sampson was in the clear of his responsibilities over the years to his wife. It sounds like it could have been the last couple of years have been the wife finally standing her ground. It leads me to have to ask Sampson if over the course of the previous years of marriage prior to that what did their marriage look like? Has Sampson consistently been sensitive to the needs of his wife? Did he truly understand what she needed from him, the marriage, and did he listen to truly understand her heart?
I did not hear anything from Sampson that led me to believe that he took any responsibility for his part in the breakdown of the marriage. Gary, I waited for those types of questions in the interview. I believe if both the husband and wife are seeking to truly understand their spouse, their needs and are in prayer together asking the Holy Spirit for guidance, there is a desire to understand there should be accountability of each the husband and the wife in what is transpiring in the marriage. Marriage is an opportunity to become selfless and put the needs or your spouse before your own. We are all selfish in nature.
I heard Sampson say that his wife's response to him was “you always get what you want.” I just have to ask if there is more to that? Was he ignoring her needs in the past and she has taken this to the extreme of being completely selfish to the point of almost abandoning her children? If I put myself in Sampson’s wife’s situation, I have to ask if there are unresolved issues that have created the wife’s hardness of heart towards her husband. It makes me think about the Fireproof Movie and Book. Is Sampson not aware of his lack of actions to truly engage his wife’s heart and patience to allow her to respond to him after she see’s he is truly committed to her, her needs and what is important to her. That he truly values her!
Since there needs to be responsibility on both the husband and the wife in any marriage, I just felt this interview lacked the right questions to unveil what Sampson might have created in the marriage in the previous years. We are all creating dynamics in our marriage. I have a difficult time believing that Sampson did everything perfectly in all of his interactions with his wife leading up to where the marriage finds itself at this point.
I am always looking at my actions to understand what I am creating in my marriage and all relationships. I will agree that he is now from what it appears taken on all of the responsibilities, but it needs to be more clear if he is aware if there is any lack of emotional awareness to even understand what happened in the breakdown of his marriage and his part in all of this? With all of that, I do not think his current actions clear him from not being a responsible party in the divorce.
My prayers go out to the children, Sampson and his wife. I pray there is a desire and openness for them both to examine their hearts and ask the Lord to expose anything that is hidden. That they would be sensitive to hear and listen to the Holy Spirit all for the glory of God and His Kingdom!
Thanks for such a thoughtful response Kimberly. You've spent a lot of time, empathetically stating your case. And let me admit up front: after listening to this interview the first time, I almost didn't post it, because I wasn't happy with myself as an interviewer. That is completely a fair critique. And certainly, in a counseling situation, where you're talking to both partners, all the questions you raise are vital for understanding and healing. Samson's main point, however, is that (remember, this is responding to my Enough is Enough post), while we would hopefully not ask an abused woman, "What did you do to make your husband so angry and to act out like that?" this is the default response of so many pastors toward men: you must be doing something for her to treat you like that. And, in fact, that seems to be where your comments are headed. The tricky part is that it's rarely the case that one spouse is all wrong, so in a counseling situation, you raising those issues with Samson would be fair, as long as they were presented without accusation, and with the openness that maybe his wife's actions were just that: actions and not reactions. I'd really encourage you to read Sara's comments above. Whether or not you think Samson's critique is fair, Sara critiques herself, saying she was just like Samson's wife, and God had to convict her and lead her to repentance for their marriage to be healed. And thankfully, God has brought healing to Sara and her husband. Thank you for praying He would do the same for Samson's family.
I was the woman Sampson is describing - angry, abusive, selfish and demanding, the term "narcissist" fits well. So I have deep compassion for his situation. My husband and I have now been married for almost 33 years, by the grace of God. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse as well as abandonment and shame issues that run very deep. However, I had no idea what was wrong, why I was so angry with my husband, and why I struggled so much. I just thought if I could have what I want and get him to serve me, I would be happy.
Long story short (as short as I can make it! :), we tried counseling in our early marriage which never helped much, and I threatened to leave over and over, alternating with accusations against my husband and my own suicidal ideation. After trying the world's way for 20 years (meds, psychiatry where I was told I was always going to be angry, depressed, and hopeless), I finally went to get counseling from a wonderful biblical counselor. She gently helped me see that I was my own worst problem, I was punishing my husband for another man's sin, and I was responding sinfully to being sinned against. I saw myself through the lens of Scripture, a sinner in desperate need of God's grace, and I finally got my eyes on the true hope - the Author of my life - who began a deep heart work of repentance in me.
It took a while (there was a lot of wrong thinking to overcome), but my husband and I now have a wonderful marriage where I can honor him as he honored me. He was not perfect, and God has done great work in him as well, but I have told him that if he had not been so strong, persevering through the abuse I inflicted on him, and keeping his eyes on Jesus (he prayed and fasted for me one day a week for years), I would have destroyed him (and nearly did.)
I am now a certified biblical counselor and he is working on his certification so we hope to counsel other couples together. And I am convinced that both men and women need to get their eyes on God, who is the only source of help and hope in a difficult or destructive marriage.
Gary - I have really appreciated that you are a strong advocate for women in abusive marriages. I have many friends, and have counseled many women, in these situations, so it is critical that these women are seen and heard and helped.
And I think it's great that you are considering the other side in this podcast as well, that there are men that are being abused by their angry wives. I know my husband would have been so encouraged to have someone come alongside and encourage him while he fought to persevere with me.
Thank you for your ministry and your humility in always being willing to consider other people's experiences. I always learn from you.
Thank you so much for sharing this Sara. What a moving testimony to the power of God to convict and restore.
Loved reading your personal, honest, and heartfelt testimony. There is always hope and help in Jesus Christ. You had a counselor who knew exactly what would bring healing and strength to your marriage. That counselor's approach must have been very refreshing to your life. May God continue to bless others through you and your husband. Please keep sharing that message of hope.
What a powerful testimony.
Do you have social media? I'd like to follow you.
The hardening of women's hearts part is chilling. I see it too. To handle marriage issues well we must realize women can be abusive, too.
Narcissism is abuse.
I have appreciated your work over the years and have felt that you have come from a place of looking at deeper issues within the marriage that can cause issues. I am familiar with the counselor/author you mention that has stated if there are issues after five years of marriage it falls on the husband. I am not one to completely agree with that as I feel that there are things a wife can most certainly do to contribute to the issues in the marriage.
I do agree there is a dynamic in our culture that is creating a hardness within women's hearts, but t’s not just women, it’s everyone! I have to share I felt this interview did not go into enough depth in this situation to understand the wife. I do not agree "AT ALL" with the wife’s actions at this point to her husband and children. It’s unacceptable in any way shape or form, but I felt the interview needed to go to the previous years of their relationship. I understand there were time constraints for the interview, but to not look at the relationship dynamics that put them in that situation created a very one-sided perspective and I do not feel did the situation and marriage justice.
I understand that Sampson is currently carrying the load of it all and has experienced some emotional and verbal abuse, but from my experiences a women will stop communicating and shut down completely for many reasons. This could carry on for years and if not kept in check I think could be taken to extremes. It does create in a woman a hardness of the heart towards the husband. That could possibly be the case here. A few examples that come to mind that might occur throughout years of marriage and have nothing to do with abuse could be years of not being listened to, her needs not being heard/understood or the husband not doing simple things so that she feels loved, cared for and a priority in the relationship.
I have had childhood trauma that included a history of childhood sexual abuse as well as abandonment and shame issues that my ex-husband blamed our issues on. It was a way for him to not take responsibility for his issues in the marriage. My childhood trauma mostly created in me a desire and longing to be loved, valued and to belong, to feel secure and for family. I have been in counseling and have tried to be very self-aware of my behaviors and reactions, but in a dynamic that the marriage is lacking emotional intimacy/connection, feeling loved/valued and the husband getting defensive/distant/cold at those needs could definitely create an extremely unhealthy marriage that will eventually most likely fall apart.
I think there are so many layers to a marriage that it takes time to get to the root of the issues. However, I just wanted to comment that while I appreciated this interview, I think it was not enough for me to believe that Sampson was in the clear of his responsibilities over the years to his wife. It sounds like it could have been the last couple of years have been the wife finally standing her ground. It leads me to have to ask Sampson if over the course of the previous years of marriage prior to that what did their marriage look like? Has Sampson consistently been sensitive to the needs of his wife? Did he truly understand what she needed from him, the marriage, and did he listen to truly understand her heart?
I did not hear anything from Sampson that led me to believe that he took any responsibility for his part in the breakdown of the marriage. Gary, I waited for those types of questions in the interview. I believe if both the husband and wife are seeking to truly understand their spouse, their needs and are in prayer together asking the Holy Spirit for guidance, there is a desire to understand there should be accountability of each the husband and the wife in what is transpiring in the marriage. Marriage is an opportunity to become selfless and put the needs or your spouse before your own. We are all selfish in nature.
I heard Sampson say that his wife's response to him was “you always get what you want.” I just have to ask if there is more to that? Was he ignoring her needs in the past and she has taken this to the extreme of being completely selfish to the point of almost abandoning her children? If I put myself in Sampson’s wife’s situation, I have to ask if there are unresolved issues that have created the wife’s hardness of heart towards her husband. It makes me think about the Fireproof Movie and Book. Is Sampson not aware of his lack of actions to truly engage his wife’s heart and patience to allow her to respond to him after she see’s he is truly committed to her, her needs and what is important to her. That he truly values her!
Since there needs to be responsibility on both the husband and the wife in any marriage, I just felt this interview lacked the right questions to unveil what Sampson might have created in the marriage in the previous years. We are all creating dynamics in our marriage. I have a difficult time believing that Sampson did everything perfectly in all of his interactions with his wife leading up to where the marriage finds itself at this point.
I am always looking at my actions to understand what I am creating in my marriage and all relationships. I will agree that he is now from what it appears taken on all of the responsibilities, but it needs to be more clear if he is aware if there is any lack of emotional awareness to even understand what happened in the breakdown of his marriage and his part in all of this? With all of that, I do not think his current actions clear him from not being a responsible party in the divorce.
My prayers go out to the children, Sampson and his wife. I pray there is a desire and openness for them both to examine their hearts and ask the Lord to expose anything that is hidden. That they would be sensitive to hear and listen to the Holy Spirit all for the glory of God and His Kingdom!
Thanks for such a thoughtful response Kimberly. You've spent a lot of time, empathetically stating your case. And let me admit up front: after listening to this interview the first time, I almost didn't post it, because I wasn't happy with myself as an interviewer. That is completely a fair critique. And certainly, in a counseling situation, where you're talking to both partners, all the questions you raise are vital for understanding and healing. Samson's main point, however, is that (remember, this is responding to my Enough is Enough post), while we would hopefully not ask an abused woman, "What did you do to make your husband so angry and to act out like that?" this is the default response of so many pastors toward men: you must be doing something for her to treat you like that. And, in fact, that seems to be where your comments are headed. The tricky part is that it's rarely the case that one spouse is all wrong, so in a counseling situation, you raising those issues with Samson would be fair, as long as they were presented without accusation, and with the openness that maybe his wife's actions were just that: actions and not reactions. I'd really encourage you to read Sara's comments above. Whether or not you think Samson's critique is fair, Sara critiques herself, saying she was just like Samson's wife, and God had to convict her and lead her to repentance for their marriage to be healed. And thankfully, God has brought healing to Sara and her husband. Thank you for praying He would do the same for Samson's family.
Translation: "He must have done something to cause it, its his fault!"